Holding Grief and Joy (Stradding the Mountain and the Valley)

I hate the story I’m about to write, but I’m going to do it anyway. 

My book released today. 15 months in the making, hours and hours of pouring my heart and soul into a project. More investment of time and money than for any other project in my business.

It is exciting. It is joyful. It is a celebration.

But there is also sadness prevailing in my personal life. 13 days ago I found out I was pregnant. Shocking and hopeful after a loss last May. 4 days ago I stared the miscarriage process. 

One promise fulfilled. Another hope destroyed.

Holding both emotional extremes is some kind of wild ride in life. I can’t cheat the book and the cost of it by drowning in sadness. But I can’t cheat the loss by unrestrained exuberance. 

The truth is I don’t have a lot of words right now. I’m navigating the inbetween space one minute at a time. Showing up for the book, albeit with less than my normal energy. Letting the grief hit me with tears, then reigning it in because life demands living. 

I suppose this is the Youniform in action…getting dressed in cute clothes in less than 2 minutes even when you want to stay in pajamas eating your feelings. Showing up publicly even when your private life is crumbling. 

We all want the mountaintop moments, and this week is that for sure. But the valleys don’t follow the schedule sometimes, and…

And…

I am choosing to straddle the and…

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:
for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
Psalm 23:4-6 (KJV)

Final note: I do not like sob stories and I try not to trauma dump. There is much for me to process here that I haven’t even begun to cover. But since I am in a high visibility season and not at 100%, I wanted to share a little bit of the behind the scenes.